if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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