cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
