i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
