I'm eating all of the evidence.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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