Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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