Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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