Sry I called you an 8
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard