So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
