saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
