So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My ATM looks so different sober.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
