my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
