Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
