Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
