My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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