It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
