my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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