So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
