I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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