Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
