Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
