Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
