He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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