Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
