I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Operation Purity has been aborted
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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