The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
