she looked like the before picture.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
