Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
