I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
