Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
last night I used snow as a chaser
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
