We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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