Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
