Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
