u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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