Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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