we have pet lesbian snakes
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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