Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
