if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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