I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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