I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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