ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
