so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
