I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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