at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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