look no pants
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
