My cat gives me a boner
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
