So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
