Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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