who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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