Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
