overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
