i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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