theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she looked like the before picture.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
