i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
