my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
