Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
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