Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
