The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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