I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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